Oct. 25, 2025
The Bible’s Spookiest Stories: Halloween Special
This Halloween, we open the Bible and uncover the stories Sunday School skipped. From vengeful bears and zombie armies to divine wrath, these are just some of the tales that prove the Good Book can double as nightmare fuel.
Every story is straight from scripture, complete with citations, but told with a signature mix of dark humor, skeptical commentary, and spooky sound design.
It’s the Bible like you’ve never heard it before.
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Welcome to Unwashed and Unruly Spooky Edition, where we share cursed scrolls and bad theology.
Today we're bringing you Bible nightmares, 1 plague at a time.
I'm your Deacon of Doom, Lola Michaels.
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Joining me in the crypt tonight is the Prophet of Panic, Ezra Saeed and Reverend Wrath Cam Cruise.
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Hello boys and ghouls.
In a world where donkeys talk, prophets summoned bears and skeletons come back to life, one book dares to go too far.
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This Halloween, we dig up the Bible's most terrifying tales, the original slasher stories, complete with divine rage and more child death than any Stephen King novel.
We're telling the scariest, weirdest, WT effiest stories from the Old and New Testaments with a healthy disrespect for ancient trauma.
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Read at your own risk, or better yet, let us do it for you.
Visit our website unwashedun-ruly.com and don't forget to rate and review the show wherever you find us in the social media underworld.
Elisha the Bear Summoner from Second Kings chapter 2, verses 23 to 24.
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It was a dark and stormy evening in Bible times.
Elisha was minding his business on his long, hard prophetic journey.
His sandals were caked in sand mud and his desert dress was soaked.
His weary muscles ached.
2:33
Elijah dreamt of a warm meal and a dry bed.
Despite his distraction, Elijah noticed movement in the bushes.
It sounded like footsteps, something big but definitely smaller than a man.
Then there were more.
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The snapping of twigs to his right and to his left, the faint murmur of laughter behind and in front of him.
They emerged from the brush.
Children, 42 of them, all boys.
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And not just any boys.
These brats were from Bethel, the disgraceful Kingdom of cattle worshipping shitheads and their hooker daughters.
Elijah was frozen in his tracks.
A pimple faced boy called out to Elijah.
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Go up, go up, The other boys repeated smirking.
Many readers may presume the boy meant to continue to go up the road, but this is actually a death threat.
It means go up to heaven and it is a reference to Elijah's slate master Elijah.
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Elijah was appalled with these little heathens actually saying he should die.
Baldy, he heard someone say.
Get out of here Baldy, they said.
Go up you bald bitch.
Another boy called out from the crowd.
They all laughed at him.
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Elijah was stung.
How dare they?
Yeah, he had a little bit of thinning, but bald.
His fragile man ego was quivering inside of him.
Elijah seethed.
Carsu, he shouted at the kids.
Carsu in the name of the Lord, Elijah and God, we're true homies.
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Elisha knew God hated the stinking ass bevelers, so he sent God a telepathic message saying that a bunch of kids were bullying him for being.
Bald.
The children's laughter soon faded as their attention was drawn back to the brush that lined the road.
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It sounded like a Stampede was coming towards them.
The crashing noise grew and grew and soon the boys could see the trees shaking and branches bending. 2 hulking black beasts cut through the forest like high speed tanks before attacking.
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The two she bears stood on their hind legs and roared at the crowd of children.
Spit foamed from their mouths and the boys could feel the heat of the monster's breath.
Some of the boys stood in shock, others began running without fully taking their eyes off the bears, pushing the smaller boys to the ground and sometimes stepping on them to get away.
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The bears began slashing and grabbing, tearing through their soft young flesh as they struggle to run, snapping bones with ease and dislocating their small limbs.
Some of the boys urinated on themselves in terror.
The smell of piss and blood hung thick in the air.
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Many of the boys skulls were fractured between the jaws of the She Bears.
Their immature heads popped and left their harsh, stricken faces warped in agony.
After ravaging the lesser of the boys, the She Bears haunted those who thought they might get away, slicing open their bellies to let their intestines spill out while they were still alive to watch.
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The boys cried as they laid on their sides, trying to stuff their entrails back into the cavity of their torsos.
All 42 boys were mauled in what seemed like an instant.
Elijah was so grateful he also had an erection.
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These cruel boys hurt his feelings and God made sure that they would not get away with it.
Elijah's kind and supportive God sent the brave Mama bears to ensure those children were held accountable for their actions.
As Elijah continued his journey, he held the grace of God in his heart, knowing that he lived in a just world.
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And he lived happily ever after.
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Welcome to Bible Zombie Corner.
One of the things we pride ourselves on doing here is putting in the research so you don't have to.
We had our resident Bible expert dig deep to pull out the zombie stories for our spooky special.
Everyone knows Jesus was a zombie.
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Jesus was very famously resurrected.
So Jesus 2.0 is definitely the most famous zombie from the Bible, but he's not the only one.
Crucifixion zombie leak from the Gospel according to Matthew, chapter 27, verses 52 to 53.
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They don't say this part of the story in the pitch, but apparently when Jesus got crucified, his final scream cracked open the earth and rose the dead, just like meatloaf.
So just so you know, we're not making this stuff up here, guys.
I'm going to have Ezra read the actual quote from the Gospel According to Matthew.
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And when Jesus had cried out in pain and a loud voice, he gave up his spirit.
At that moment the curtain of the temple was torn in two from top to bottom.
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The earth shook, the rocks split, and the tombs broke open.
The bodies of many holy men who had died were raised to life.
So apparently there was just a bunch of zombies hanging out in The Cave with Jesus, because the verse goes on to say.
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They came out of the tomb after Jesus's resurrection and went into the holy city and appeared to many people.
Hey Simpson, I'm feeling I might peckish mind if I chew your ear?
Dad, you killed the.
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Zombie Flanders.
He was a zombie.
So guys, Jesus was not alone when he came out The Cave.
He came up first and then a bunch of other zombies came out behind him.
Why does nobody talk about this part?
I was very surprised to find out this news of the zombie parade at Jesus's resurrection.
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Were you guys aware of this?
I had known about it.
There's another one in an apocryphal text called the Gospel of Peter where Jesus comes out and there's a giant cross that's just walking behind him.
A cross is walking and it goes all the way to the sky, the top of the cross.
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And does the cross have legs?
I don't, they don't explain how they don't, they don't explain how the cross is walking, but it's walking behind Jesus.
I don't know how it fit in The Cave, but it fits in The Cave and it's walking behind them and then it starts talking.
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It's a walk and talk and cross.
So, you know, if you're going to have a walk and talk and cross that goes all the way to the heavens, you're gonna have a few zombies walking around Jerusalem.
Yeah, it makes the zombies seem reasonable.
I really appreciate that.
Perfectly reasonable.
Talking Cross.
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And one of the things that I really love about this text is that it ends with the zombies going to town and it was like they were seen by many people.
I'm like, did they visit their family?
Hey guys, Remember Me?
Hi, I'm an ancient prophet.
Have you been good?
Yeah, it's just a bunch of dead holy people pop out of their tombs like surprise guests at a spiritual flash mob.
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Remember the Sabbath to keep it holy.
Yeah, and it also doesn't really say anything about the duration of time.
Did they have to go back?
Did they have to reacilate?
Still with us, guys?
They're still with us.
Did they?
Have to get jobs and also Jesus was like a fresh dead guy so you know he got stabbed up.
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But besides that he was probably not even stinky yet.
But these other people, were they dead a long time?
Where they grow zombies?
I believe the next story might resolve that question.
I love that.
I love that little bit of a taste.
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Guys, a teaser.
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The next zombie story is Zombie Zionist Army from Ezekiel chapter 37 verses 1 to 14.
In this story, Ezekiel is teleported to a valley that is full of bones.
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God says to Ezekiel.
Son of man, can these bones live?
Ezekiel senses this is a trick question and is essentially like, you know better than me, God.
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And then God is like check this shit out.
If you say these magic words, these bones are about to get risen.
So if you guys are looking to raise some zombies up, this is where you get your pen and paper because Ezra is going to tell you the magic word to raise dry bones into full zombies.
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Dry bones, hear the word of Yahweh.
This is what the sovereign Yahweh says to these bones.
I will make breath enter you, and you will come to life.
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I will attach tendons to you and make flesh come upon you and cover you with skin.
I will put breath in you and you will come to life.
Then you will know that I am your.
So the bones start rattling around and snapping together and all the body parts are crawling together like T1000 and Terminator 2.
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And then the bones start growing meat and skin and stuff.
But they were still dead.
The Bible says quote they had no breath.
So this is where you need the second part of the spell.
Ezra hit us with those magic words.
Come breath from the four winds, and breathe into the slave that they may live.
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So yeah, it's totally like the same thing from the Craft.
If you've ever seen the Craft, that's the same magic words.
Girls, watch out for those weirdos.
We are the weirdos.
Mr. But then they all come to life and stand up, and God tells Ezekiel that these are Israelites.
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Son of Man, these bones are the people of Israel.
They say our bones are dried up and our hope is gone.
We are cut off therefore prophecy and say to them, this is what the sovereign Yahweh says.
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My people, I am going to open your graves and bring you up from them.
I will bring you back to the land of Israel.
Then you, my people, will know that I am Yahweh.
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When I open your graves and bring you up from them, I will put my Spirit in you and you will live, and I will settle you in your own land.
Then you will know that I, Yahweh, have spoken and I have done.
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It declares Yahweh.
So yeah, guys, I think these might be the Zionist zombies.
From what I'm reading here, many of these zombies may be living in the West Bank right now.
You are.
Stealing my house and.
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If I don't steal it, someone else is going to steal.
It.
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Bored to death?
Zombie or resurrect Paul from the Acts of the Apostles, chapter 20, verses 7 to 12.
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This one is so great, honey, because there are shots fired.
Whoever wrote this chapter has beef with Paul because they are throwing shade in this story.
Paul talks so goddamn much and so boring that someone falls out of fucking window and dies.
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Tell us about it, Lola.
On the first day of the week we came together to break bread.
Paul spoke to the people and, because he intended to leave the next day, kept on talking until midnight.
There were many lamps in the upstairs room where we were meeting.
Seated in a window was a young man named Udicus, who is sinking into a deep sleep as Paul talked on and on.
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When he was sound asleep, he fell to the ground from the third story and was picked up dead.
Paul went down, threw himself on the young man and put his arms around him.
Don't be alarmed, he said.
He's alive.
Then he went upstairs again and broke bread and ate.
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After talking until daylight, he left.
The people took the young man home alive and were greatly comforted.
Girl, can you even believe that after the accident poll just keeps talking some more and some more.
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Oh my God that story is a wild.
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Salty Legacy from Genesis chapter 19, verse 26.
We all know the story of those two naughty cities, Sodom and Gomorrah, where everybody there was supposedly a bad person except for this guy Lot and his family.
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And two angels showed up to their home and told Lot, hurry, take your wife and your daughters who are here, or you will be swept away.
When the city is punished, flee for your lives.
Don't look back.
Whatever you do, don't look back.
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And then they fled.
By the time Lot reached Zohar, the sun had risen over the land.
Then the Lord Yahweh rained down burning sulphur on Sodom and Gomorrah from the Lord out of the heavens.
Then He overthrew those cities and the entire plane, destroying all those living in the cities and also the vegetation in the land.
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But Lot's wife looked back and she became a pillar of salt, and from that moment on Lot never ran out of salt for his steak.
Pass your mother.
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Isaac's Trust issues an origin story from Genesis chapter 22 verses 1 to 19.
Also known as Father knows best until he tries to kill you.
We all know this story.
This one is told from Isaac's point of view.
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One night, Isaac was having a nightmare dreaming that some Polish guy, Milikowski he didn't even know what Poland was, was killing a bunch of people in his dad's name when his father walked in and shook him awake.
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Wake up boy, wake up.
We're going to make a sacrifice to Yahweh.
Oh boy, I love sacrifices.
Yahweh knows I'm going to love this fucking sacrifice.
Get up kid, I want to make this quick.
Will Mom be joining?
Us.
No, Mama's boy, she won't get up.
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Early the next morning, Abraham got up and loaded his donkey.
Isaac and two servants joined him.
He had plenty of wood for the burnt offering and they all started their journey.
They travelled for three days.
Are we there yet?
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No.
Are we there yet?
No.
Are we there yet?
Believe me kid, I want to be rid of your annoying ass real fucking soon, but we still got a while.
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Rid of what, Huh?
Never mind, we're not there yet.
Now shut the fuck up.
On the third day, Abraham looked out into the distance and said to his servants.
Stay here with the donkey while I and the boy go over there.
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We will worship and we will come back to you.
Oh boy, we're almost there.
God.
You're fucking annoying.
I'm so glad Yahweh asked me to do this.
Abraham took the firewood for the burnt offering and placed it on his son Isaac, and he himself carried the fire and the knife.
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As the two of them went on together, Isaac spoke up and said to his father Abraham.
Father.
What now?
The fire and what are here, but where is the lamb for the burnt offering?
God's going to provide it.
You're going to find out real soon, you little shit.
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And the two of them went on together.
When they reached the place God had told him about, Abraham built an altar there and arranged the wood on it.
Seriously, Dad, where the fuck is the sacrifice?
Come closer, kid, I need you to come real close to the altar.
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Dad, Dad.
Come on kid, it won't hurt.
Dad, Dad, you said God would provide the sacrifice himself.
He did.
He provided you, didn't he?
Abraham bound his son Isaac and laid him on the altar on top of the wood.
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What the fuck, you fucking sociopath?
Have you lost your Yahweh damn mind?
Does Mom know what you're doing?
Why you fucking smiling?
Get that fucking knife away from me, you goddamn creep.
Then Abraham reached out his hand and took the knife to slay his son.
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But the Angel of the Lord called out to him from heaven.
Abraham.
Abraham.
Here I am.
Do not lay your hand on the boy, do not do anything to him.
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Now I know that you fear God, because you have not withheld from me your Son, your only son.
Oh come on, you said I could sacrifice the little shit.
I'm going to tell mom everything in a bit.
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Fucking hell, in a bit.
Abraham looked up and there in the thicket he saw a ram caught by its horns.
He went over and took the ram and sacrificed it as a burnt offering instead of his son.
So Abraham called the place The Lord will provide, and to this day it is said on the mountain of the Lord it will be provided.
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What a stupid name.
The Angel of the Lord called to Abraham from heaven a second time and said, I swear by myself, declares the Lord, that because you have done this and have not withheld your son, your only son, I will surely bless you and make your descendants as numerous as the stars in the sky and as the sand on the seashore.
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Your descendants will take possession of the cities of their enemies, and through your offspring all nations on earth will be blessed, because you have obeyed me.
That night Isaac had another nightmare about this group of pale skinned people called the Christian Zionist, who would often refer to that day when his father nearly killed him because he heard some voices in his head calling it a holy tale that justified the killing of countless other people.
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And you'll be a blessing to the people around the earth and even to those of us who aren't even Jewish, he says.
Those who bless Israel will be blessed, and those who curse Israel will be cursed.
He woke up in sweat, thinking.
Holy shit there are people out there even stupider than my dad.
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Jephta the daughter Dropper from Judges, Chapter 11, verses 29 to 40.
Then the Spirit of Yahweh came on Jetta.
He crossed Gilead and Manasseh pass through Mizpah of Gilead, and from there he advanced against the Ammonites and and Jephta made a vow to Yahweh.
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If you give the Ammonites into my hands, whatever comes out of the door of my house to meet me when I return and triumph from the Ammonites will be the Lords, and I will sacrifice it as a burnt offering.
Then Jephta went over to fight the Ammonites, and Yahweh gave them into his hands.
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He devastated 20 towns from a roar to the vicinity of Minute as far as Abel Karamin.
Thus Israel subdued Amon When Jephthah returned to his home in Mizpah, who should come out to greet him but his daughter dancing to the sound of timbrels.
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She was his only child.
Except for her, he had neither son nor daughter.
By Karamba.
When he saw her, he tore his clothes and cried.
Oh no, my daughter, you have brought me down and I am devastated.
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I have made a vow to the Lord I cannot break.
My father, you have given your word to the Lord due to me, just as you promised, now that the Lord has avenged you of your enemies, the Ammonites.
But grant me this one request.
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Give me two months to roam the hills and weep with my friends because I will never marry.
Yeah, Yeah.
Well, yeah, you may go.
And he let her go for two months.
She and her friends went into the hills and wept because she would never marry.
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After two months she returned to her father and he did to her as he had vowed And she was a virgin, supposedly yummy by the Lord Yahweh.
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Love the smell of human sacrifice.
I love me a version sacrifice.
Forget about it. 2 girls, 1 Cave Lot and his daughters from Genesis chapter 19, verses 30 to 38.
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Lot and his two daughters left Zohar and settled in the mountains for he was afraid to stay in Zohar.
He and his two daughters lived in a cave.
One day, the older daughter said to the younger, Our father is old.
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There's no man around to give us children.
Is this the custom all over the earth?
Let's get our father to drink wine and then sleep.
With.
Him and preserve our family line through our father.
That night they got their father to drink wine and the older daughter went in and slept with him.
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He was not aware of it when she lay down or when she got up the next day, the older daughter said to the younger.
Last night I slept with my father.
Let's get him to drink.
Wine again tonight and.
You go in and sleep with him so we can preserve our family line through our father.
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So they got their father to drink wine again that night also, and the younger daughter went in and slept with him.
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Again, he was not aware of it when she lay down or when she got up.
So both of Lot's daughters became pregnant by their father.
The older daughter had a son, and she named him Moab.
He is the father of the Moabites of today.
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The younger daughter also had a son, and she named him Benami.
He is the father of the Ammonites of today.
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Balaam the Donkey Whisperer from Numbers, chapter 22, verses 21 to 34.
Balaam got up in the morning, saddled his donkey and went with them all by officials.
But God was very angry when he went, and the Angel of Yahweh stood in the road to oppose him.
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Balaam was riding on his donkey, and his two servants were with him.
When the donkey saw the Angel of Yahweh standing in the road with a drawn sword in his hand, it turned off the road into a field.
Balaam beat it to get it back on the road.
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Then the Angel of Yahweh stood in a narrow path through the vineyards with walls on both sides.
When the donkey saw the Angel of Yahweh, it pressed close to the wall, crushing Balaam's foot against it.
So he beat the donkey again.
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Then the Angel of Yahweh moved on ahead and stood in a narrow place where there was no room to turn either to the right or to the left.
When the donkey saw the Angel of Yahweh, it lay down under belong, and he was angry and beat it with his staff.
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Then the Lord opened the donkey's mouth, and it's set to Balaam.
What have?
I done to you to make you beat me with these three times.
You have made a fool of me.
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If only I had a sword in my hand, I would kill you right now.
I'm going to write your own donkey, which you have always written here.
To this day have I been in.
The habit of doing this to you.
Then the Lord opened Balaam's eyes, and he saw the Angel of the Lord standing in the road with his sword drawn.
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So he bowed low and fell face down.
The Angel of the Lord asked him.
Why have you beaten your donkey these three times?
I have come here to oppose you because your path is a reckless 1 before me.
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The donkey saw me and turned away from me these three times.
If it had not turned away, I would have certainly killed you by now, but I would have spared it.
Balaam said to the Angel of the Lord.
I have sinned.
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I did not realize you were standing in the road to oppose me.
Now if you are displeased, I will go back.
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Child Jesus, destroyer of playmates from the Infancy Gospel of Thomas, apocryphal 2nd century AD.
This is not in the Bible, but a text from early Christians.
When the boy Jesus was five years old, he was playing in a narrow part of a rushing stream.
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He was gathering the flowing waters into ponds, and immediately they were made clean.
And he ordered these things with a single word.
The son of an asked.
The scribe was standing there with Jesus.
Taking a branch from a Willow tree, He dispersed the waters which Jesus had gathered.
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When Jesus saw what had happened, he became angry and said to him.
You got this brainless moron.
What did the ponds and waters do to you?
Watch this now.
You're going to dry up like a tree and you'll never produce leaves or roots or fruit.
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And immediately this child withered up completely.
Be dead, you be dead.
When Jesus departed and returned to Joseph's house, the parents of the one who had been withered up, however, wheeled for their young child as they took his remains away.
Then they went to Joseph and accused him.
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You are responsible for the child who did this.
My life.
It's real fine that you've done that.
That's that's real fine.
Next, Jesus was going through the village again and a running child bumped his shoulder, becoming bitter.
Jesus said to him.
You will not complete your journey.
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Immediately he fell down and died.
Oh yes, it's good.
It's very good.
Then some of the people who had seen what had happened said.
Where has this child come from so that his every word is a completed deed?
And going to Joseph, the parents of the one who had died found fault with him, they said.
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Because you have such a child, you are not allowed to live with us in the village.
Or at least teach him to bless and not curse, for our children are dead.
Somebody sneak up behind him.
Somebody end this.
Now what he's thinking about me.
Would somebody take a lamp or a bottle or something?
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And.
End this.
And taking his child aside, Joseph warned him saying.
Why are you doing these things?
These people are suffering and they hate us and cause trouble for us.
Then Jesus said.
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I know that the words I speak are not mine.
Nevertheless, I will be silent for your sake, but these people will bear their punishment.
And immediately, his accusers became blind.
You're a bad man.
You're a very bad man.
And you keep thinking bad thoughts about me.
37:21
Beasts, locusts and Dragons.
Selections from the Book of Revelation chapters 9 and 13.
Revelation makes Game of Thrones look like a cozy baking show.
It's like the Bible said.
You know what?
Let's go full Mad Max.
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It's where theology meets acid trip.
A fever dream in the desert.
It's rivers of blood.
A prostitute riding a monster, a lamb with seven eyes, and Jesus leading a holy death March.
What's not to love?
The 5th Angel sounded his trumpet, and I saw a star that had fallen from the sky to the earth.
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The star was given the key to the shaft of the abyss.
When he opened the abyss, smoke rose from it like the smoke from a gigantic furnace, and the sun and the sky were talking by the smoke from the abyss.
And out of the smoke, locusts came down on the earth, and they were given power like the scorpion of the earth.
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They were told not to harm the grass of the earth, already plant a tree, but only those people who did not have the seal of God on their foreheads.
They were not allowed to kill them, but only to torture them for five months.
And the agony they suffered was like that of the sting of a scorpion.
38:36
When it strikes during those days, people will seek death but will not find it.
They will live long to die, but death will loot them.
The locusts look like horses prepared for battle.
On their heads they wore something like crowns of gold, and the faces resembled human faces.
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The hair was like women's hair, and their teeth were like lion's teeth.
The first woe is past.
The other two woes are yet to come.
The rest of mankind who were not killed by these plagues still did not repent of the work of their hands.
They did not stop worshipping Damons and idols of silver, gold, bronze, stone and wood, idols that cannot see or hear or walk.
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Nor did they repent of their murders, their magic arts, their sexual immorality, or their thefts.
The dragon stood on the shore of the sea, and I saw a beast coming out of the sea.
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It had 10 horns and seven heads, with 10 crowns on its horns, and on each head a blasphemous name.
The beast I saw resemble the leopard, but had feet like those of a bear and a mouth like that of a lion.
The dragon gave the beast his power and his throne in great authority.
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One of the heads of the beast seemed to have had a fatal wound, but the fatal wound had been healed.
The whole world was filled with wonder and followed the beast.
People worship the dragon because he had given authority to the beast, and they also worship the beast and asked who is like the beast who can wage war against it.
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The beast was given a mouth to utter proud words and blasphemies and to exercise its authority for 42 months.
It opened his mouth to blasphemy God and to slander His name and His willing place and those who live in heaven.
It was given power to wage war against God's holy people and to conquer them.
41:00
Then I saw a second beast coming out of the earth.
It had two horns like a lamb, but it spoke like a dragon.
It exercised all authority, the first beast on its behalf.
It made the earth and its inhabitants worship the first beast.
41:21
This fatal wound had been healed and it performed great signs, even causing fire to come down from heaven to the earth and full view of the people.
Because of the signs, it was given power to perform on behalf of the first beast and to see if the inhabitants earth, it ordered them to set up an image and honor the beast.
41:45
No, it's wounded by the sword.
Yeah, the second beast was given power to give breath to the image of the first beast so that the image could speak and cause all who refuse to worship the image to be killed.
42:03
Almost the forest.
All people, great, small, rich, poor, free and slave, receive a mark on their hands or on their foreheads, so that they could not buy or sell unless they had the mark which is the name of the beast, for the number of its name.
42:21
This calls for wisdom.
Let the person who has inside calculate the number of the beast for it is the number of a man.
43:17
Thanks for joining us on this unholy tour through the Bible's most terrifying tales, where bears mauled children, virgins get barbecued, and zombie Saints roam the streets like it's no big deal.
And before we go, let's leave you with one final piece of divine wisdom, ethics to live by.
43:37
Straight from Deuteronomy chapter 25, verses 11 to 12 quote.
If two men are fighting and the wife of one of them comes forward to try to rescue her husband from the man who is beating him, and she reaches out and grabs him by his private parts, you shall cut off her hand.
43:57
You are to show her no pity.
End Quote, sleep tight and remember God is always watching, especially your hands.
Happy Halloween.
Amen.
